My Portion...

Heeeyyyyyyyyy, "brow"nistas!

Ok. I know. I know.

It's been awhile.

Well, you can thank my lovely cousin for inspiring me to get back to the blog. She fussed at me over the Memorial Day weekend.

Truthfully, I didn't realize I was having that much of an impact.

So, I am here.

Sometimes, this is what I don't like about myself. I will start things and not finish them.

Soooooooooo, I is here (yes, I meant to say it JUST like that.)

What have I been up to lately? What has kept me from sharing in the joys and pains of being a woman, wife, mother, daughter, sister, niece, cousin, good girlfriend, servant and more?

LIFE!

Oh, "brow"nistas, I have NOT heeded my own advice. I have missed so much "brow"time! I had to repent and apologize to God AND my poor husband for how I was walking around looking and feeling.

Can you say BROKE DOWN?

It was a shame unto GAWD, honey!

Well, I am back. And I do mean I am back!

At this stage of my life, these past few months have given me confidence, wisdom, and love. I feel so full and I celebrate that I FINALLY have my portion.

What do I mean by "my portion?"

Well, beloved, I feel as though I have removed the excess from my life and I am concerned and engaged with what God would have me be concerned and engaged. Take a quick evaluation.

Can you say the same?

Today, I had to take a break from reading the news, checking my timeline on Facebook, looking at pics on Instagram and more. Sometimes, especially now that I have children, I get really overwhelmed with what is going on in the world and the lives of people with whom I am acquainted. Sometimes, it's all too much to bear. I get upset when I think about the evil in the world and the fact that my kids have to grow up in this foolishness. I pray over them as I could never protect them, watch over them, keep or love them better than God can.

You know I really do believe we are overly exposed. Grant it, the crazy of this world is not new. I don't believe it has become any more evil than it has been in times prior, I just believe we hear about it more with everything being uploaded in less than 2 seconds.

The world is a constant place and, with technology, it's like we have in some way elevated ourselves to be like God in that we know everything! I mean I know we don't really know everything, but we know way more than we used to or we should.

There is this verse in the Bible that sums it up well for me:

"For in much wisdom is much grief,

And he who increases knowledge increases sorrow." -Ecclesiastes 1:18

Sometimes, I know too much. Sometimes, my senses for what is going on in the world is on like a million! At times, I can't take it. I can't take the earthquakes, murders, rapes, missing loved ones, abused children, violence, and the evil common to the human race. Not just that, but in my own life I have felt obligated to consume myself with the bills, day to day hustle and bustle....why are we SO busy?!!! There are times when if I wasn't stressed, I went to find something that was stressful!

It all had to come to a screaching halt.

I don't know the exact moment. I can't tell you when, but somewhere I believe God said to me in a whisper "cast your cares, leave the heavy lifting to me, think on good, noble and pure things, and be anxious for nothing."

Dears, in this world, most of the time, we feel like we "have to."

I have to watch the news. (like 24/7 especially first thing in the morning)

I have to answer the phone (I mean this call is soooo important)

I have to be there. (afterall, the ENTIRE things revolves around me)

I have to make it. (see what I just said above)

I have to check my email. (all important matters are in my email...ever think of how highly overrated receiving notifications are?)

I have to attend the meeting. (a little self centered?)

I have to sign up. (why? why do they need you? no, why? really?)

I have to ....

One day, I thought "who said I have to?"

Principal Joe Clark and Morgan Freeman

Let me borrow a line from Principal Joe Clark in the classic film "Lean on Me,"

"I don't have to do nothing but stay black and die!"

Now, let me revise that a little for myself: " I don't have to do nothing but love God, be concerned with what He tasks to me, and die...to meet Him face to face and hear 'well done!'"

Over these last months, I have picked up and dropped off so much stuff. (I even started calling people and telling them to meet me to come pick up their baggage.)

I decided to let myself off the hook for knowing everything.

I started realizing I can't handle knowing everything.

I wake up to the balance of the bank account, the update to my credit score, the activities for the kids, the upcoming payment, the rescheduling of the meetings, the absurd amount of missed calls, the exam, the traffic jam, the devastation, the pregnant celebrity rumors, the latest health thing, the devotionals (I actually like those), the controversy, the notification that someone saw my notification, the reply to my post, the fact that my post was uploaded and blah, blah, blah!

photo courtesy of www.fotolia.com

Why? Why do I have to know? Am I supposed to be concerned with all of that? Are there some things on my

plate that I added that may need to be removed? Is something wrong with me if you ask me and I don't know?

Don't get me wrong, I am completely concerned with other people and what they are going through. I care about the world. I care about the oppressed and those who are need of justice or someone to love them. But I understand that God has assigned to me the who, what, when, where, and how so I can carry out His love and compassion where I am needed to serve. I can't save the whole world. When I take on too much that is exactly what I try to do. When I take on what is not for me, I am not helping, I am hindering.

God will give me the grace for what He has called me to do. He created a lot of people. He never expected me, or you, to do everything.

I learned that I have to focus on my portion.

I have to be able to see God. I have to be able to hear Him. I have to be able to be near Him. Sometimes, I have so much stuff floating around that I can't connect to God. That is a terrible, desperate place.

I decided to excuse myself from society's norms. I can't know everything.

I may not be up to date on some things.

I certainly don't have to do everything that comes to mind or is suggested.

I just decided to take off my running shoes, go for a stroll, take in the view, really connect instead of just pass through.

I want to live.

Not just exist.

I want to connect.

Not just be in the same space.

I never want to so consumed, that I can't hear His voice.

I don't want to be so wrapped up that I miss valuable time with my family and those He has given me to love.

So, "brow"time is evolving.

I like that word "evolve."

We have the right to evolve. (My boss says that all of the time. I just love it and have adopted it.)

We have a right to say "let's do this another way."

We have the right to grow, change, get smarter, decide what we will and will not allow into our space.

We have the right to slow down, take what belongs to us, release what doesn't, love, be loved, rejoice, mourn, give, sow, thrive and achieve.

We can't do those things being consumed, too busy, wrong priorities, and disconnected from God.

So, evolve, ask God for your portion...and for heaven sake...let's get back to "brow"time.

Good to be back...welcome